


set my midnight sorrow free

by zaixuan



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Infidelity, M/M, Pining, doyoung showed up for 5 mins, i cant tag, not between them tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-28
Updated: 2017-07-28
Packaged: 2018-12-08 05:25:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11639814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zaixuan/pseuds/zaixuan
Summary: Taeyong wishes he can be more selfish than he already is, so he can ask him to stay.





	set my midnight sorrow free

**Author's Note:**

> it's 03.50 in the morning and my neighbour is blasting sam smith. i wrote this in like, an hour or so, please forgive me if you see any mistakes, i'm half awake. title taken from sam smith's leave your lover.

_ You'll never know the endless nights _

_ the rhyming of the rain _ _  
_ _ Or how it feels to fall behind _

_ and watch you call his name _

 

_ — _

 

Taeyong has gone through this moment many times—Jaehyun putting his clothes back on after spending the night with the cherry-haired male, meanwhile, Taeyong is still very much bare under his blanket. It could have been a beautiful sight to see  _ if _ he didn’t feel the numbing pain on his chest, a constant reminder that after the other man walks out of the door, he completely belongs to someone else. He can ask him to say, Taeyong doubts if Jaehyun will say no to his request, since he has done it many times before, and not even once he declines

 

This man is  _ not _ his; and yet.

 

Jaehyun must have caught him staring because now, he is on the edge of Taeyong’s single bed, looking at him with the loving eyes of him and that’s great, because Taeyong can pretend it’s him whom Jaehyun belongs to.

 

“Is something wrong?” He says, soft and tender, fingers threading through his bleached locks. Taeyong wants to laugh.

 

_ This is wrong. Yet, we’re still doing this. _

 

Instead, he smiles and shakes his head. Jaehyun’s hand drops to his cheek, the soft touch of his thumb against Taeyong’s cheek bone is comforting, and it’ll be gone soon.

 

“I have to go,”  _ I know.  _ “She called.”  _ I understand. _

 

_ “ _ Okay.”  _ It’s not. _ Taeyong decides to avoid the eye contact. He notices the small hickey he left on the bottom of Jaehyun’s collarbone, he wonders what will his girlfriend think if she sees that.

 

The brunet leans down for a kiss and once again, Taeyong can pretend. It’s simple, intimate, although it still feels like goodbye.

 

“I’ll see you soon,” Jaehyun gives him his signature dimpled-smile before leaving one more kiss. “ _ I love you _ .”

 

_ Oh, Do you? _

 

His heart burns and Taeyong knows he needs to stop pretending.

 

—

 

“He was here, wasn’t he?”

 

Doyoung comes home at half past 12, seeing Taeyong being a complete melancholic at their couch, staring but not paying attention to what the television is airing. He doesn’t answer Doyoung’s question, not when the man probably already knows the answer.

 

“How was your date?” Taeyong asks instead after a brief moment of silence. The lavender-haired male only sighs.

 

“It was great, but right now is not about me. It’s about  _ you _ ,” Taeyong, once again, stays mum. He wished Doyoung wasn’t this sharp. “Jaehyun was here, wasn’t he?”

 

He nods, half-heartedly. The other scowls.

 

“For how long you’re going to do this to yourself? To his  _ lover _ ?” Doyoung’s words feel like thousands of daggers to his heart and ego, yet he doesn’t bother to argue. “Just stop, Taeyong. You deserve better.  _ She _ doesn’t deserve this too.”

 

“I’m sorry.” Taeyong apologises with a hushed voice.

 

“You should be. You deserve so much more than just a little secret.” Doyoung leaves the room and Taeyong can feel tears brimming in his eyes.

 

—

 

They had a history together, he and Jaehyun. Years before this tangled mess happened.

 

Being Jaehyun’s boyfriend was probably one of the best things that ever happened in his mediocre life, it could have lasted longer if it wasn’t for his own insecurities and anxiety. If Taeyong had have more faith, this mess wouldn’t have happened.

 

Ten months into their relationship, Jaehyun had to leave the country because of his family, and Taeyong felt like a long distance relationship was too much. He broke  _ everything  _ off. 

 

Jaehyun going back home and transferring to the same college as him could have mended everything back together,  _ if _ he didn’t comeback with a girlfriend with him. Not that he is blaming his current lover, Chaeyeon is a nice girl, and she definitely doesn’t deserve whatever they’re doing to her right now.

 

Maybe it’s a payback—or a karma, they call it. Something in return for Taeyong who had been so reckless to end their relatively short relationship. He thinks about the possibilities that could have happened if he hadn’t been so stupid back then but, possibilities are just  _ possibilities _ . Taeyong pined for him for years, drown in his own remorse, only to have Jaehyun keeping him as a dirty little secret when he came back.

 

Lee Taeyong went down from the official boyfriend, just to a mere booty call.

 

—

 

Doyoung told him many times that ending whatever he is having with Jaehyun will be the best for both of them. He might be a part of Jaehyun’s past, but that doesn’t mean he can ruin his future with Chaeyeon. He thinks about it all the time, hating the thought of completely giving the man he has loved for so long to someone else, but then, is he  _ that _ selfish?

 

Taeyong wonders if Jaehyun meant all of the  _ i love yous _ and the sweet nothings he whispered to him during the times they spent together, hidden under the comfort of Taeyong’s thick blanket. He wonders if Jaehyun will break up with her if he asks him to, he wants to prove if Jaehyun had meant it by choosing him over his girlfriend, but then again, does he  _ have  _ the heart to do so?

 

He hears the bell rings, interrupting him and his own thoughts. It doesn’t surprise him to see Jaehyun standing in front of his door, it’s a scene he is so familiar with.

 

Taeyong doesn’t complain when Jaehyun takes a step closer to embrace him. When the brunet kiss him, he kisses back—complying.

 

Once again, Taeyong gives in.

 

—

 

They’re huddled under the blanket despite of the mid-year weather, they’re sweaty and it’s a little bit gross for Taeyong, but tonight might be the last time he has the chance to be in Jaehyun’s arms.

 

“What are you thinking about?” He plants several kisses on Taeyong’s forehead, somewhere near his hairline and near his eyebrow. Taeyong hesitates to answer, contemplating whether he should spill the truth or not. He stays silent for another few seconds before finally opening his mouth.

 

“Jaehyun?” Taeyong calls, and the brunet hums in return. This is it. This is where he will draw the line. This is where he will end everything for the second time, hopefully, for the last time too.

 

“What  _ am I  _ to you?”

 

He has one arm wrapped around Jaehyun’s waist and he can feel him stiffens at his question. He doesn’t answer immediately and Taeyong waits.

 

Jaehyun hovers him and leans down to kiss him instead, the other  _ almost _ gives in again, but he latches his lips off. The brunet tries to kiss him again, but Taeyong shakes his head.

 

“I— Answer me. What am I to you?” Asks Taeyong, now looking straight into the other male’s eyes. “What do you take me for?” He can read Jaehyun’s expression, it’s a mix of confusion and fear and Taeyong  _ almost _ wants to take everything back.

 

“Taeyong— fuck, what is this all about?”

 

“I can’t do this anymore. I’m done being your booty call.”  _ There _ . He said it. Jaehyun is horrified, shocked, he doesn’t know—tears are forming in his eyes and Taeyong wants to prevent it from spilling.

 

“You’re not just a booty—”

 

“Then, what am I? Why aren’t you willing to answer me?” Taeyong interrupts him, before taking a deep breath. “This— every time you come to me, it has always been sex. Not to mention, you have your girlfriend. Stop hurting her.”  _ Stop hurting me. _

 

Jaehyun keeps silent, so Taeyong speaks more.

 

“Don’t you think she deserves better than you having a dirty, little affair with your ex?” He adds. “It’s time to stop. I don’t want to do this anymore.”

 

“You don’t want to be with me anymore?”  _ Oh _ , how bad Taeyong wants to answer no, that being with him is all he’s ever wanted. But he can’t say that.

 

“This isn’t about me.” 

 

Jaehyun inhales a shaky breath and falls to Taeyong’s shoulder. Faintly, the pink-haired boy can hear Jaehyun’s plea to not let him go.

 

“Jaehyun. Stop. This isn’t fair,”  _ For her. For me.  _ “Maybe we aren’t—” It’s Jaehyun’s turn now to interrupt.

 

“If I leave her, will you be with me? Will you still want me?” Jaehyun says the line that Taeyong’s selfish self wants to hear the most.

 

_ Yes. A thousand times yes.  _ But he can’t say that, can he?

 

“Don’t say that. She loves you.”  _ And I do, too. _

 

“Taeyong—” Taeyong shakes his head, pushing Jaehyun away so he can sit. He can no longer look at him in the eyes.

 

“Leave. I need you to leave. It’s all that I want.”

 

And Jaehyun does, after a lingering moment of staring at Taeyong at disbelief. He picks up his clothes, puts them back on and leaves the room, without a one last kiss, not even a last look.

 

When he hears the door clicks, Taeyong breaks.

 

—

  
_ Pack up and leave everything _ __  
_ Don't you see what I can bring _ __  
_ Can't keep this beating heart at bay _ __  
_ Set my midnight sorrow free _ __  
_ I will give you all of me _ __  
_ Just leave your lover, leave him for me _ _  
_ __ Leave your lover, leave him for me

**Author's Note:**

> i am so sorry but comments are very appreciated


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